"Christmas Gift"

It wasn’t wrapped with bows or fancy paper.
There was no written card or letter.
Santa didn’t put it under the tree
For everyone else to see.
No fortune was spent.
For deeper thoughts it was meant.
It wasn’t branded or designer.
This was something simpler.
It wasn’t special because of any of these things.
This was of sweet nothings.

I love you.
And that was it. It wasn’t something new.
I love you.
This was something I wished he knew.
My body grew weak, but my heart stronger
As I let those words linger.
So many times I’ve said them.
Every time was as precious as a gem.
This was my Christmas gift to him,
With enough joy to fill up to the rim.
A present too valuable to be bought,
One that will never rot,
Covered so beautifully,
With sincerity and honesty.

This was all I had to offer.
And I didn’t regret nor suffer.

Christmas Break

I know, I know it's been a while. I've been busy. I wanted to write, but my heart wasn't into it. I think it still isn't. I've been trying to write another poem about "him", and I do realize that this would be the third which is bordering on obsession. But honestly, can I help it if I'm inspired at least for a while. I still haven't finished it. It's like I've been a little dry in the head lately.

The poem is about what happened during Christmas break. I promised myself that I would try to get over him on my vacation, when I wouldn't see him. It would make things a lot easier. I texted him to not text me during Christmas break and he politely agreed. Unfortunately, I really wasn't completely into it. I was crying as I texted him. I was having a hard time with my new resolution. But in all the tears and heartache, I did my best to follow through and I manage... for a while.

We weren't directly communicating with each other, but I was still thinking about him and talking about him. To be honest, I was disappointed with my behavior. How was I suppose to get over him when I couldn't even not talk about him. I was in denial. I told myself it was a slow process, but I really was just having a difficult time.

Though it was one-sided (pathetic), this was the closes I ever got to love (more pathetic). I've never felt like this and this much for another person. I had a grasp on him in my heart and I wasn't ready to let go.

Then on Christmas eve, it wasn't just me who broke a promise. He texted me.

He found out about how I was constantly talking about him and he was concerned. He'd always had a problem with his self-image and to know that someone was head-over-heels in love with him worried him. In his text, he apologized for entering my life (which I considered a blessing). He told me that he couldn't love me back (this stung me a little) because he wasn't worthy of love (which was ridiculous). He wanted me to find someone better. He wanted me to move on and stop hurting myself.

Before I took care of my own wounds, I replied... I told him he was an idiot, but I was in love with an idiot. I told him it was OK if he didn't love me back and if he only saw me as a friend. I could have accepted that. What I couldn't accept was the way he was treating himself. I hated the way he didn't love himself when there was so much to love. His happiness is important to me. He is important to me. I told him that I will always love him in some way because he was my friend and I cared about him. I just wished he could see and feel why I loved him so much. I told him that someone will always love him and that was my gift to him. I told him I love him.

In the end I thought I would regret being that forward, but I didn't. I was honest. I told him the truth and I freely accepted whatever happened. I let my heart go taking a few cuts and bruises but also filled with love. This was my Christmas.

Losing You...

How pathetic am I? I already got my heart broken by a guy I'm not with. We aren't together, but the thought of losing hope on being together left me into pieces. I was just a mess. I just lost myself. I cried on and off, from the night I found about someone else to the next day when I was just wondering what was true and what wasn't. I was just shattered.

I heard that you already had someone else and I actually caused some problems between the two of you. This just got be guilty and hurt. I was so scared that I did something wrong and that I could have destroyed a relationship that I had no idea of. I just wouldn't know what to do if I ever hurt you or cause you any unnecessary hardships.

Then I was just hurt. I long for this guy for months and I find out he has someone else. I finally knew what Meridith felt when she found out about Addison. I felt like I was going to lose McDreamie ("Grey's Anatomy"). What was worse was that, I didn't have him in to begin with. I just liked him. I broke down. I cried. I nearly skipped a class. I just had a hard time that day.

Then we found each other again. I thought I might cry again, but I didn't. You came up to me, took me aside and explained. It was all a misunderstanding, a cruel joke by someone else.

I was relieved. You who indirectly took my smile away came back and wiped my tears and gave it back. In those few moments of being with you and talking with you again, I felt like you gave me back my sleepless night and painful day. You crazy-glued my heart back together. Thank you.

After that day, I just realized how down I was. I was a sorry excuse of a human being. I never thought that realizing that I could never have you would be that hard for me, but it was. You really are important to me. I never knew who much until I thought I lost you, before I even had you.

Now I know I really have it bad for you.

"A Thought of You"

Another thought of you came to mind,
Of you and I with hands entwined.
Shoulder to shoulder as we walk.
The smiles on our faces as we talk.
Of a cheek to cheek dance,
When we'll get the chance.
The rhythm, the beating of our hearts.
Your grasped around me gently.
You're breathing on my skin.
Every beat, every breathe, every touch,
I've never felt so much.

Though I've never felt this before,
This was just a thought, nothing more.
A dreamt up fantasy,
I wish to be a reality.