"Christmas Gift"

It wasn’t wrapped with bows or fancy paper.
There was no written card or letter.
Santa didn’t put it under the tree
For everyone else to see.
No fortune was spent.
For deeper thoughts it was meant.
It wasn’t branded or designer.
This was something simpler.
It wasn’t special because of any of these things.
This was of sweet nothings.

I love you.
And that was it. It wasn’t something new.
I love you.
This was something I wished he knew.
My body grew weak, but my heart stronger
As I let those words linger.
So many times I’ve said them.
Every time was as precious as a gem.
This was my Christmas gift to him,
With enough joy to fill up to the rim.
A present too valuable to be bought,
One that will never rot,
Covered so beautifully,
With sincerity and honesty.

This was all I had to offer.
And I didn’t regret nor suffer.

Christmas Break

I know, I know it's been a while. I've been busy. I wanted to write, but my heart wasn't into it. I think it still isn't. I've been trying to write another poem about "him", and I do realize that this would be the third which is bordering on obsession. But honestly, can I help it if I'm inspired at least for a while. I still haven't finished it. It's like I've been a little dry in the head lately.

The poem is about what happened during Christmas break. I promised myself that I would try to get over him on my vacation, when I wouldn't see him. It would make things a lot easier. I texted him to not text me during Christmas break and he politely agreed. Unfortunately, I really wasn't completely into it. I was crying as I texted him. I was having a hard time with my new resolution. But in all the tears and heartache, I did my best to follow through and I manage... for a while.

We weren't directly communicating with each other, but I was still thinking about him and talking about him. To be honest, I was disappointed with my behavior. How was I suppose to get over him when I couldn't even not talk about him. I was in denial. I told myself it was a slow process, but I really was just having a difficult time.

Though it was one-sided (pathetic), this was the closes I ever got to love (more pathetic). I've never felt like this and this much for another person. I had a grasp on him in my heart and I wasn't ready to let go.

Then on Christmas eve, it wasn't just me who broke a promise. He texted me.

He found out about how I was constantly talking about him and he was concerned. He'd always had a problem with his self-image and to know that someone was head-over-heels in love with him worried him. In his text, he apologized for entering my life (which I considered a blessing). He told me that he couldn't love me back (this stung me a little) because he wasn't worthy of love (which was ridiculous). He wanted me to find someone better. He wanted me to move on and stop hurting myself.

Before I took care of my own wounds, I replied... I told him he was an idiot, but I was in love with an idiot. I told him it was OK if he didn't love me back and if he only saw me as a friend. I could have accepted that. What I couldn't accept was the way he was treating himself. I hated the way he didn't love himself when there was so much to love. His happiness is important to me. He is important to me. I told him that I will always love him in some way because he was my friend and I cared about him. I just wished he could see and feel why I loved him so much. I told him that someone will always love him and that was my gift to him. I told him I love him.

In the end I thought I would regret being that forward, but I didn't. I was honest. I told him the truth and I freely accepted whatever happened. I let my heart go taking a few cuts and bruises but also filled with love. This was my Christmas.

Losing You...

How pathetic am I? I already got my heart broken by a guy I'm not with. We aren't together, but the thought of losing hope on being together left me into pieces. I was just a mess. I just lost myself. I cried on and off, from the night I found about someone else to the next day when I was just wondering what was true and what wasn't. I was just shattered.

I heard that you already had someone else and I actually caused some problems between the two of you. This just got be guilty and hurt. I was so scared that I did something wrong and that I could have destroyed a relationship that I had no idea of. I just wouldn't know what to do if I ever hurt you or cause you any unnecessary hardships.

Then I was just hurt. I long for this guy for months and I find out he has someone else. I finally knew what Meridith felt when she found out about Addison. I felt like I was going to lose McDreamie ("Grey's Anatomy"). What was worse was that, I didn't have him in to begin with. I just liked him. I broke down. I cried. I nearly skipped a class. I just had a hard time that day.

Then we found each other again. I thought I might cry again, but I didn't. You came up to me, took me aside and explained. It was all a misunderstanding, a cruel joke by someone else.

I was relieved. You who indirectly took my smile away came back and wiped my tears and gave it back. In those few moments of being with you and talking with you again, I felt like you gave me back my sleepless night and painful day. You crazy-glued my heart back together. Thank you.

After that day, I just realized how down I was. I was a sorry excuse of a human being. I never thought that realizing that I could never have you would be that hard for me, but it was. You really are important to me. I never knew who much until I thought I lost you, before I even had you.

Now I know I really have it bad for you.

"A Thought of You"

Another thought of you came to mind,
Of you and I with hands entwined.
Shoulder to shoulder as we walk.
The smiles on our faces as we talk.
Of a cheek to cheek dance,
When we'll get the chance.
The rhythm, the beating of our hearts.
Your grasped around me gently.
You're breathing on my skin.
Every beat, every breathe, every touch,
I've never felt so much.

Though I've never felt this before,
This was just a thought, nothing more.
A dreamt up fantasy,
I wish to be a reality.

"Jaded"

I've had crushes before, but none like this.

Why is it you who I can't resist?

My heart grows weaker by the minute.

I wonder if you ever see it?

I strain to face you with a smile,

As I wait patiently for a while,

Hoping that someday you will see

Something more than a friend in me.

I've wiped the tears, both yours and mine,

But I do my best to say "I'm fine".

I can't blame you, you never pushed me,

But can you blame me, if there's something in you I see.

As a joke, they tell me that "love is blind",
Then they ask me "what is it in you I find?".
So I ease their mind. To all those others

I say, "Love is not blind, it only sees what matters".

Your kindness, humor and playful vulgarity

And there's your determination, passion, talent and maturity.

I smile, laugh and blush with you the most.

To have you as someone in my life, gives me a chance to boast.

I try to act normal when you're around,

But it's much more difficult than it sounds.

I'm glad that you put me at ease,

But there are times that you make me weak in the knees.

If believing in me is so rough,

And if you still think that this is a bluff,

I hope that what I say and do is enough

To show you that it's you who I love.

PDA: Partially Depressing Afternoon

Actually, P.D.A. (Public Display of Affection) is involved in the story. Unfortunately wasn't real. It was just for a small show. And by small, I mean in front of the whole school.

It was little awkward. The fact that almost everyone was there watching what we were doing for 5 minutes was really nerve-racking. There was also the fact it was my first "Doxology" was also something at I kept thinking about, and that there were many lifts and that I'm not exactly "light". Then I made the most mistakes. I was so thankful to learn that my class wasn't there to see me. At least everyone was to busy wondering about me and my friends "friendship" in real life, that they may not have noticed the mistakes as much as I thought they did.

I was also thinking about the guy lifting me, apart from being his concerned, guilty friend that he had to lift, I also have a huge crush on him. Being that close to him for those times in practices and the actual event was what we call, in the Philippines, "kilig" moments. We're very good friends and I'm thankful that it wasn't terribly awkward. I really liked it. He's a great guy, and I still can't believe we did those things in front of so many people. Thankfully, he's also a great actor. Apart from the lifting, it wasn't that difficult. He keeps on impressing me. To be honest, it wasn't just the lifting that was hard for me to do, it was also the roles. That's because I'm not an actress.

I was suppose to be Eve and he was suppose to be Adam. We were suppose to be the first man and woman created. So of course, we had to be very sweet with each other. I liked it, but I was still shy to do the things that we did. It wasn't that serious. We danced. We held each others hands. We held each other. There was a point in the middle of the presentation that we had an "Eskimo kiss". We rubbed noses. That was that.

Then comes the afternoon. The very depressing afternoon of me being guilty with my performance. But it turns out, only my close friends actually talk about that.

The others were still wondering about our "friendship". I was a little relieved that they didn't mention my horrid performance. Unfortunately, I repeatedly answer the same question "We're we couple?" My only answered "He's a really good actor." But I wasn't, at least I didn't need to be for this role.

To my Mom

My other reason for making this blog is because of my mother. To tell you frankly, we weren't as close before as we are now (irony), at least that what I feel. Now, that she's a thousand mile away I not only miss her, but our relationship has actually grown stronger. Before this we only talked once every two weeks, and even then we'd only talk the usual things. There wasn't any actual bonding, and I include myself as a reason, let me expain.

Others may not understand, but I know a lot of Filipino's who can relate to this. My mother is an OFW, overseas Filipino worker. She's currently working in Dubai as a manager. She's left me and my brother to our grandmother's care. My younger half-brothers in the care of their father. It's been difficult for all of us, especially Martin, the youngest. I alway here him call for mama. As the eldest I took more responsibilities in taking care of them. I couldn't imagine what they could feel, so I do my best to make it easier.

I understand why she's working so far away. OFW aren't uncommon. Salary is better there, and Dubai is one of the safer places to work in the middle east. She sends us money regulary and we still chat online once a week. I'm very blessed and thankful for having such an amazing woman to be my mother.

But the fact is, I miss her. Call me selfish, but you can't blame me. I'm grateful for her, but I wish she could be here. I wish she could be playing with Matthew and Martin right now. I wish i wouldn't have to worry what was happening in Dubai just to know that she was safe. I wish time would go faster so that she could come and visit. I wish we would win the lotto so that no one in my family has to work again. I love her and I'm thankful for her sacrifices but I wish she was back home with us.

Welcome!!!

Welcome to my world, at least my world written down. If you choose to join my world I gladly welcome you to. But before you do, let me tell you something about myself. That is the whole point of having a blog, isn't it? This is so that I have the chance to meet people around the world and vice versa.

I'm really nothing new. I'm a young, single Filipina enjoying my life as much as I can. I'm close to my family and friends. I'm still a student, and I'm planning to be a teacher. There's really nothing more that.

I pretty easy to identify with. I like almost anything; from the paintings of Van Gough, Dali and Klimt, to the music of Sinatra, Queen, Bee Gees, Bon Jovi and Bocelli, to the actics of the classic 3 Stooges or the fights in the WWE. I have a very wide taste which I try to use to the fullest when I meet someone. I find it easier to talk to someone when you actually have something to talk about. So, if you like me, try to talk to me.