Christmas Break

I know, I know it's been a while. I've been busy. I wanted to write, but my heart wasn't into it. I think it still isn't. I've been trying to write another poem about "him", and I do realize that this would be the third which is bordering on obsession. But honestly, can I help it if I'm inspired at least for a while. I still haven't finished it. It's like I've been a little dry in the head lately.

The poem is about what happened during Christmas break. I promised myself that I would try to get over him on my vacation, when I wouldn't see him. It would make things a lot easier. I texted him to not text me during Christmas break and he politely agreed. Unfortunately, I really wasn't completely into it. I was crying as I texted him. I was having a hard time with my new resolution. But in all the tears and heartache, I did my best to follow through and I manage... for a while.

We weren't directly communicating with each other, but I was still thinking about him and talking about him. To be honest, I was disappointed with my behavior. How was I suppose to get over him when I couldn't even not talk about him. I was in denial. I told myself it was a slow process, but I really was just having a difficult time.

Though it was one-sided (pathetic), this was the closes I ever got to love (more pathetic). I've never felt like this and this much for another person. I had a grasp on him in my heart and I wasn't ready to let go.

Then on Christmas eve, it wasn't just me who broke a promise. He texted me.

He found out about how I was constantly talking about him and he was concerned. He'd always had a problem with his self-image and to know that someone was head-over-heels in love with him worried him. In his text, he apologized for entering my life (which I considered a blessing). He told me that he couldn't love me back (this stung me a little) because he wasn't worthy of love (which was ridiculous). He wanted me to find someone better. He wanted me to move on and stop hurting myself.

Before I took care of my own wounds, I replied... I told him he was an idiot, but I was in love with an idiot. I told him it was OK if he didn't love me back and if he only saw me as a friend. I could have accepted that. What I couldn't accept was the way he was treating himself. I hated the way he didn't love himself when there was so much to love. His happiness is important to me. He is important to me. I told him that I will always love him in some way because he was my friend and I cared about him. I just wished he could see and feel why I loved him so much. I told him that someone will always love him and that was my gift to him. I told him I love him.

In the end I thought I would regret being that forward, but I didn't. I was honest. I told him the truth and I freely accepted whatever happened. I let my heart go taking a few cuts and bruises but also filled with love. This was my Christmas.