| What's haunting you? The once lively ghosts of the past? Or the Monsters ready to Strike your tomorrow fast? Scars left raw ant untreated Pain greatly felt but unseen Now slowly healing and sedated Losing any and everything they used to mean. Tears that used to dampen my face Tears that used to surface as release Now have dried and left no trace Now have nothing to put at ease My once tired body of bones Left unnoticed and weaken Not by old sticks and stones But by words said and unsaid it was beaten I'm getting better, finally recovering well Gaining the strength I once had But, I don't know if you can, but I can still tell I still feel the same old sad. |
Saturday, September 22, 2007
"What's Hauting You?"
Monday, May 28, 2007
Missing Your Heartbeat
I didn't think of you yesterday, not even once. I was too busy with my book to realize it, until the end of the day. But for once in a very long time you weren't in my head. I wasn't thinking about you; what were you doing? where could you be? how are you? I just spent my day in my room. My body in rest. My nose in a book. My eyes straining a bit.
It was a little late, pass midnight. I normally sleep later, but I've been reading for hours. I thought of sleeping earlier than usual.I put the bookmark in chapter 23. I turned of the lights. Climbed into bed. Tucked myself in. Slept on my side. One arm, my right arm, flat on my bed. It was the end of my day, really the beginning of the next. But a memory of you hits me like a ton of bricks.
My right hand was flat on the bed, the same way it was on your chest a long time ago. I remember sitting on a field, the green grassy field on a clear, sunny day. I was squatting on the grass. Then you put your head on my lap. I look at you smiling at me for just a second. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to touch you. I even felt the urge to kiss you. But I stopped myself. My hands, both hands, are on my side, flat on the grass supporting my weight. I dare not touch you.But then, you took my hand.
You took it in yours. Then you put it on your chest. You held it there for the littlest while. Then you left it alone. I could have taken it back anytime, but I didn't. I didn't want to. So I kept my hands busy. I began to tap my fingers to an imaginary beat in my head. I traced lazy circles on your chest. I just did anything to hide my nerves. Then I felt something that calmed me down.
Your heart steady beating under my palm. My hand finally settles down to feel your heartbeat. I listen to it. I like it. I like having something that told me that everything was okay. That you were okay. I see you everyday. I talk to you everyday. I know you're okay, but really I just assumed. Now I felt it, literally felt something that told me that you're okay. Something that proved to me that you're okay, that everything will be okay.
Feeling that strong, steady rhythm calmed me. It reassured me. I always thought that if I know that your heart is still beating I don't have to worry about anything. Everything could shatter. I could crumble away but if I knew that you're okay then I will be too.
Nothing in my life ever felt that right. It's so rare to come across something or someone that significant. Now, I pity the people that have never felt it. I could die away and know for sure that I've loved someone more than humanly possible and if given the chance to love more I'd do it... happily.
I love your heartbeat. I like hearing it, feeling it and having it... I miss it.
I snap back to reality. My hand is beside me, flat on my bed. It wasn't on your chest anymore. We weren't on the field anymore. Your head wasn't on my lap. I was in my bed. Its the middle of the night. I'm in my room. My dark room. My hand is on the bed, and it's only the mattress, the bedsheets and empty space. I don't feel anything... not anymore.
I don't feel your heartbeat. I don't feel it. I don't hear it. I don't have it with me. I miss it. I don't know if you're okay.
I cry. I cry on my pillow, finally thinking of you and how much I miss you and your heartbeat.
It was a little late, pass midnight. I normally sleep later, but I've been reading for hours. I thought of sleeping earlier than usual.I put the bookmark in chapter 23. I turned of the lights. Climbed into bed. Tucked myself in. Slept on my side. One arm, my right arm, flat on my bed. It was the end of my day, really the beginning of the next. But a memory of you hits me like a ton of bricks.
My right hand was flat on the bed, the same way it was on your chest a long time ago. I remember sitting on a field, the green grassy field on a clear, sunny day. I was squatting on the grass. Then you put your head on my lap. I look at you smiling at me for just a second. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to touch you. I even felt the urge to kiss you. But I stopped myself. My hands, both hands, are on my side, flat on the grass supporting my weight. I dare not touch you.But then, you took my hand.
You took it in yours. Then you put it on your chest. You held it there for the littlest while. Then you left it alone. I could have taken it back anytime, but I didn't. I didn't want to. So I kept my hands busy. I began to tap my fingers to an imaginary beat in my head. I traced lazy circles on your chest. I just did anything to hide my nerves. Then I felt something that calmed me down.
Your heart steady beating under my palm. My hand finally settles down to feel your heartbeat. I listen to it. I like it. I like having something that told me that everything was okay. That you were okay. I see you everyday. I talk to you everyday. I know you're okay, but really I just assumed. Now I felt it, literally felt something that told me that you're okay. Something that proved to me that you're okay, that everything will be okay.
Feeling that strong, steady rhythm calmed me. It reassured me. I always thought that if I know that your heart is still beating I don't have to worry about anything. Everything could shatter. I could crumble away but if I knew that you're okay then I will be too.
Nothing in my life ever felt that right. It's so rare to come across something or someone that significant. Now, I pity the people that have never felt it. I could die away and know for sure that I've loved someone more than humanly possible and if given the chance to love more I'd do it... happily.
I love your heartbeat. I like hearing it, feeling it and having it... I miss it.
I snap back to reality. My hand is beside me, flat on my bed. It wasn't on your chest anymore. We weren't on the field anymore. Your head wasn't on my lap. I was in my bed. Its the middle of the night. I'm in my room. My dark room. My hand is on the bed, and it's only the mattress, the bedsheets and empty space. I don't feel anything... not anymore.
I don't feel your heartbeat. I don't feel it. I don't hear it. I don't have it with me. I miss it. I don't know if you're okay.
I cry. I cry on my pillow, finally thinking of you and how much I miss you and your heartbeat.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
"Doesn't Mean a Thing"
Just because I think of you non-stop,
Just because I remember every little detail about you,
Just because everything reminds me of you,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
So what if I wait for your text, call or buzz,
So what if I can relate to practically every love song, movie or book,
So what if I remember all of your jokes, stories or ideas,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
Even though I saved every text message,
Even though I've memorized everything I know about you,
Even though you're the first and last guy in and out my head,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
Sure, I always look for a red cap in the crowd,
Sure, I know exactly how you like to eat your pizza or your Oreo,
Sure, I notice how you're insecure about your looks but egotistical enough to be vain,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
I may still smile whenever I think of you,
I may still imagine what could have been,
I may be wasting my time still writing poems and stories about you,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
...Right?
...But what else could it mean?
Just because I remember every little detail about you,
Just because everything reminds me of you,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
So what if I wait for your text, call or buzz,
So what if I can relate to practically every love song, movie or book,
So what if I remember all of your jokes, stories or ideas,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
Even though I saved every text message,
Even though I've memorized everything I know about you,
Even though you're the first and last guy in and out my head,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
Sure, I always look for a red cap in the crowd,
Sure, I know exactly how you like to eat your pizza or your Oreo,
Sure, I notice how you're insecure about your looks but egotistical enough to be vain,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
I may still smile whenever I think of you,
I may still imagine what could have been,
I may be wasting my time still writing poems and stories about you,
Doesn't mean I'm still in love with you.
...Right?
...But what else could it mean?
I owe an Exlpination...
It's been a while since I've written anything, and I apologize for neglecting my natural need to write. Writing for me can be very therapeutic and I need good therapy lately.
It's not that I don't have enough inspiration, or that I have nothing to write about. It's been a very eventful and I've wanted, needed to write but I've just been so busy. I couldn't find the time.
Now, It's summer. I have nothing to do... So I might as well finally write what I've been dying to write. It's a little late but I'll just type the date of when a certain event happened.
It's not that I don't have enough inspiration, or that I have nothing to write about. It's been a very eventful and I've wanted, needed to write but I've just been so busy. I couldn't find the time.
Now, It's summer. I have nothing to do... So I might as well finally write what I've been dying to write. It's a little late but I'll just type the date of when a certain event happened.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
"Pre-Prom"
It finally came. The event I’ve been waiting for the whole year. It seems pathetic to be so eager about the prom, but I was. I wanted to have a great and memorable night when I can spend a little more effort in my appearance. I wanted a night of fun with my friends that I’d actually be allowed to go to. I’ve been looking forward for that night ever since I met my prom date back on September of last year. I’m sure you know why he’s such an important part of all of this.
Everything really started at the beginning of the year, when I knew we would have our first prom. My friends and I talked about it a few times, like the teens we were. We just wondered could possible happen on that night, what we’d where, what we’d do and whom we’ll go with.
Then when I got involved in a new club I met someone, someone that has unexpectedly made his mark on my life. He came and I noticed. He turns out to be a constant source of smiles, tears, laughter, pain and even pride and I’m glad to have met him and be a part of my life, in any way. I was so happy that I asked him to the prom 6 months in advance. I’m even happier he accepted.
Then the whole love month and prom craze came and I did everything I needed to do. I found my dress and other accessories. I helped my other friends find dates. I fell deeper in to love and life. It’s been a hectic few weeks but it finally came.
The fun all started when he showed up. I was in the salon for 3 hours getting ready so he decided to come and pick me up. I waited for about 15 minutes, retouching every detail of my dress, hair and makeup to look as close to perfect as possible. I just couldn’t believe that he was coming to pick me up. He finally came through the door of the Solon.
I cautiously walked to him, trying not to look to eager. He smiled and seems to like my new look. He, on the other hand, could’ve looked better. He did looked good… but he looked like a priest, but it didn’t matter too much. All I cared about was that he was already here. He could always make my heart skip no matter what he was wearing.
We went to the mall to get our picture taken. We walked around trying to find our friends all the while either being looked at for looking too fancy for the mall or for being so close. Other kids going to prom were there for the same reason. Some of them were people we knew so got our fair share of attention for being too sweet to be friends. We bought a few things we needed and met up with other friends to eat before the event.
We met up with other friends and decided to have a little snack in "McDonald's". We just spent our little free time before the prom enjoying each other’s company. It was so weird being looked at. Imagine a group of teenagers in elegant evening wear; girls in gowns and guys in ties, and we were eating at "McDonald's."
At last we found our other friends and another place, less crowded to get our picture taken. We paid what we needed. Our two other friends were getting solo pictures, then only the 3 girls then last was my couple picture with Jordan.
We got into different sweet positions to make the picture look good. The first was with us facing each other and he was using his scarf to pull me closer. We kept eye contact. Then the second were us both facing the camera. His arms were around me from behind. I tried to just smile for the camera but he kept on looking at me. The end result was a picture of him sweetly staring at me.
I knew taking pictures with Jordan would be interesting. He always makes thing his little projects and just does his best while having fun. He was great, and my friends really liked the whole thing going on between us. They thought, like everyone else, that we were sweet, and we just laughed it off.
We were almost done and almost late. We rode on our friend’s multi-cab to the school. Everything seemed all right. We just tried to fix anything else, re-touching our make-up, rearranging our hair, etc.
When we got there, I was surprised. Outside the school were paparazzi and many of them. I didn’t think they’d be there. This only meant one thing; to get inside we had to go through the sea of flashes. I got nervous. My friends told me to just go through them, it’ll be OK. My date comforted me by telling me to not worry cause I looked nice.
We got off an went through the photographers. My friend went first, trying to meet her date inside. We walked through and I just tried to smile and not to let them take bad pictures. Jordan just held out his arm and I grabbed hold of him. He led me inside. That’s why almost all my pictures had him in the shot.
We were almost in the prom. We were just a little behind because we tried to find our friends first. We practically raced to the sports complex to get registered and went to our places for the procession.
Everything really started at the beginning of the year, when I knew we would have our first prom. My friends and I talked about it a few times, like the teens we were. We just wondered could possible happen on that night, what we’d where, what we’d do and whom we’ll go with.
Then when I got involved in a new club I met someone, someone that has unexpectedly made his mark on my life. He came and I noticed. He turns out to be a constant source of smiles, tears, laughter, pain and even pride and I’m glad to have met him and be a part of my life, in any way. I was so happy that I asked him to the prom 6 months in advance. I’m even happier he accepted.
Then the whole love month and prom craze came and I did everything I needed to do. I found my dress and other accessories. I helped my other friends find dates. I fell deeper in to love and life. It’s been a hectic few weeks but it finally came.
The fun all started when he showed up. I was in the salon for 3 hours getting ready so he decided to come and pick me up. I waited for about 15 minutes, retouching every detail of my dress, hair and makeup to look as close to perfect as possible. I just couldn’t believe that he was coming to pick me up. He finally came through the door of the Solon.
I cautiously walked to him, trying not to look to eager. He smiled and seems to like my new look. He, on the other hand, could’ve looked better. He did looked good… but he looked like a priest, but it didn’t matter too much. All I cared about was that he was already here. He could always make my heart skip no matter what he was wearing.
We went to the mall to get our picture taken. We walked around trying to find our friends all the while either being looked at for looking too fancy for the mall or for being so close. Other kids going to prom were there for the same reason. Some of them were people we knew so got our fair share of attention for being too sweet to be friends. We bought a few things we needed and met up with other friends to eat before the event.
We met up with other friends and decided to have a little snack in "McDonald's". We just spent our little free time before the prom enjoying each other’s company. It was so weird being looked at. Imagine a group of teenagers in elegant evening wear; girls in gowns and guys in ties, and we were eating at "McDonald's."
At last we found our other friends and another place, less crowded to get our picture taken. We paid what we needed. Our two other friends were getting solo pictures, then only the 3 girls then last was my couple picture with Jordan.
We got into different sweet positions to make the picture look good. The first was with us facing each other and he was using his scarf to pull me closer. We kept eye contact. Then the second were us both facing the camera. His arms were around me from behind. I tried to just smile for the camera but he kept on looking at me. The end result was a picture of him sweetly staring at me.
I knew taking pictures with Jordan would be interesting. He always makes thing his little projects and just does his best while having fun. He was great, and my friends really liked the whole thing going on between us. They thought, like everyone else, that we were sweet, and we just laughed it off.
We were almost done and almost late. We rode on our friend’s multi-cab to the school. Everything seemed all right. We just tried to fix anything else, re-touching our make-up, rearranging our hair, etc.
When we got there, I was surprised. Outside the school were paparazzi and many of them. I didn’t think they’d be there. This only meant one thing; to get inside we had to go through the sea of flashes. I got nervous. My friends told me to just go through them, it’ll be OK. My date comforted me by telling me to not worry cause I looked nice.
We got off an went through the photographers. My friend went first, trying to meet her date inside. We walked through and I just tried to smile and not to let them take bad pictures. Jordan just held out his arm and I grabbed hold of him. He led me inside. That’s why almost all my pictures had him in the shot.
We were almost in the prom. We were just a little behind because we tried to find our friends first. We practically raced to the sports complex to get registered and went to our places for the procession.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
"Surprise Valentines"
I come not expecting anything
Which I might end up regretting
Not jumping in to any conclusion
That sprung up from my over active imagination
But you came and discarded all insecurities.
Doing something I’d normally see in movies
For the first time,
I had an actual valentine.
It was hard to believe, so I didn’t
I told myself, "its not for me, it isn’t"
But could it, could it really be
it was, it was for me.
I saw you with that smile on your face
Holding in your hand a treasure I can never replace.
You handed me a beautiful sight,
A bouquet of balloons shining under the light.
So many balloons in different shapes and sizes
The sight of it all hypnotizes
Some were round, a couple spirals and of hearts.
Streamers and paper were some added parts.
Then I notice the biggest and reddest one in the center
It said, "I LOVE YOU" in big, silver letters.
Holding it all was a mug where you wrote
"Jordan" and "Amy" as your little note.
I couldn’t believe this all happening
In all the happiness, my heart was singing
Then when I thought nothing could be better than this.
Then you gave me a little kiss.
I could only say thank you to chance and to you
You made me feel something I never knew
Fate can better plan
Than I ever can.
Which I might end up regretting
Not jumping in to any conclusion
That sprung up from my over active imagination
But you came and discarded all insecurities.
Doing something I’d normally see in movies
For the first time,
I had an actual valentine.
It was hard to believe, so I didn’t
I told myself, "its not for me, it isn’t"
But could it, could it really be
it was, it was for me.
I saw you with that smile on your face
Holding in your hand a treasure I can never replace.
You handed me a beautiful sight,
A bouquet of balloons shining under the light.
So many balloons in different shapes and sizes
The sight of it all hypnotizes
Some were round, a couple spirals and of hearts.
Streamers and paper were some added parts.
Then I notice the biggest and reddest one in the center
It said, "I LOVE YOU" in big, silver letters.
Holding it all was a mug where you wrote
"Jordan" and "Amy" as your little note.
I couldn’t believe this all happening
In all the happiness, my heart was singing
Then when I thought nothing could be better than this.
Then you gave me a little kiss.
I could only say thank you to chance and to you
You made me feel something I never knew
Fate can better plan
Than I ever can.
"My Surprise on Valentines"
After everything that has happened in this so called "high school love", I’ve learned not to expect too much, because in the end you might just end up getting disappointed. I just had this nasty habit of making exaggerated situations that never happen and wish they would. This time I’m proud to say that I didn’t expect anything and ended up with one of the best surprises ever.
It happened on Valentines Day. As always, I started thinking of things that could possibly happen, things that I want to happen, but quickly reminded myself to forget it and just let things happen on their own.
I went to school. Listened to my student teachers lectures and spent time with my friends. All in all it was a pretty good day.
The only difference was that I was practically surrounded by every reminder of the holiday. My classmates’ boyfriends came and left gifts. Someone hung a banner from the fifth floor declaring their love for a girl. Then one boy got suspended for planning an elaborate expression of love for another girl. It was a crazy day.
But, just when the day was ending, classes were about to be dismissed and we were all heading for practice. It was my turn for a valentine.
I was about to go down the stairs to look for him to go to practice together, but he was already there. He was at the bottom of the first flight of stairs smiling at me and in his hand he was carrying a huge bouquet of balloons.
I stood there at the top of the stairs, frozen, just staring at him as he came closer. I kept asking him "Are those for your wife?" referring to his make-believe marriage to one of his teachers. But he didn’t say a word. He just kept climbing up towards me, with a smile on his face and keeping eye contact.
He reached the top of the stairs and stood right beside me. We were so close to each other. Any amount of space between us was taken up by the balloons. I turned to face him and asked him again
"Those are for your wife, aren’t they?"
He held them up and said to me "No, they’re for you."
I looked at the big and intricate bunch of balloons, with streamers and paper. It had all kinds of balloons in different sizes and shapes like spheres spirals and hearts. It was all red, white and pink. Then in the very top center of it all was a shiny, red balloon covered with "I love you" in different languages. Then I noticed how he was holding it. They were all planted in a mug that said, in his own messy handwriting.
"Happy Valentines Day, from Jordan to Amy"
My smile grew wider. My heart beat faster. My stomach was doing summersaults. I even started to giggle. Then I looked at him.
I gave him a questioning look and asked "Really?"
"Yes" he reassured and gave them to me.
I took it and looked at it again. It seems stupid now, but I just couldn’t believe this was mine. I was never given anything like this by anyone like him. He was my first valentine.
He started apologizing for not getting me anything better and that couldn’t think of anything give me. I just told him that it was fine and that it was one of the sweetest things. I loved them. I thanked him for such a wonderful gift and for being such a great person.
Then in the background I could hear them. My classmates were cheering and howling "uuuyyy… Jordan… Amy"
We both started blushing and smiling too much. I just tried not to meet his eyes. If that happened again, I just know that I wouldn’t be able to control myself even more. I just stared at the balloon or at my feet because of embarrassment.
Then my classmates started to chant "kiiiiiiiisss…"
I was about to apologize for their behavior when, out of no where, he kissed me on the cheek.
Whatever bodily freedom I regained, after seeing him earlier, quickly disappeared again. I was frozen. I couldn’t believe he did what he did. It shouldn’t have been such a big deal. He’s kissed on the cheek before, but it was always casual and it was out of welcome or departure.
I could really feel his kiss this time. His lips were soft and tender. It was quick, too quick to the point that I doubted it ever happened but enough to make my heart skip a beat.
My classmates cheered louder. I just tried to focus on him. I didn’t look at my class at all. I just gestured for us to leave.
He held out his arm, just like the way he was supposed to. He took my other bag. I put my arm around his, holding the balloons in my other hand, and he led me downstairs.
For once I left it all to fate and it figured out a situation better than I could ever had.
It happened on Valentines Day. As always, I started thinking of things that could possibly happen, things that I want to happen, but quickly reminded myself to forget it and just let things happen on their own.
I went to school. Listened to my student teachers lectures and spent time with my friends. All in all it was a pretty good day.
The only difference was that I was practically surrounded by every reminder of the holiday. My classmates’ boyfriends came and left gifts. Someone hung a banner from the fifth floor declaring their love for a girl. Then one boy got suspended for planning an elaborate expression of love for another girl. It was a crazy day.
But, just when the day was ending, classes were about to be dismissed and we were all heading for practice. It was my turn for a valentine.
I was about to go down the stairs to look for him to go to practice together, but he was already there. He was at the bottom of the first flight of stairs smiling at me and in his hand he was carrying a huge bouquet of balloons.
I stood there at the top of the stairs, frozen, just staring at him as he came closer. I kept asking him "Are those for your wife?" referring to his make-believe marriage to one of his teachers. But he didn’t say a word. He just kept climbing up towards me, with a smile on his face and keeping eye contact.
He reached the top of the stairs and stood right beside me. We were so close to each other. Any amount of space between us was taken up by the balloons. I turned to face him and asked him again
"Those are for your wife, aren’t they?"
He held them up and said to me "No, they’re for you."
I looked at the big and intricate bunch of balloons, with streamers and paper. It had all kinds of balloons in different sizes and shapes like spheres spirals and hearts. It was all red, white and pink. Then in the very top center of it all was a shiny, red balloon covered with "I love you" in different languages. Then I noticed how he was holding it. They were all planted in a mug that said, in his own messy handwriting.
"Happy Valentines Day, from Jordan to Amy"
My smile grew wider. My heart beat faster. My stomach was doing summersaults. I even started to giggle. Then I looked at him.
I gave him a questioning look and asked "Really?"
"Yes" he reassured and gave them to me.
I took it and looked at it again. It seems stupid now, but I just couldn’t believe this was mine. I was never given anything like this by anyone like him. He was my first valentine.
He started apologizing for not getting me anything better and that couldn’t think of anything give me. I just told him that it was fine and that it was one of the sweetest things. I loved them. I thanked him for such a wonderful gift and for being such a great person.
Then in the background I could hear them. My classmates were cheering and howling "uuuyyy… Jordan… Amy"
We both started blushing and smiling too much. I just tried not to meet his eyes. If that happened again, I just know that I wouldn’t be able to control myself even more. I just stared at the balloon or at my feet because of embarrassment.
Then my classmates started to chant "kiiiiiiiisss…"
I was about to apologize for their behavior when, out of no where, he kissed me on the cheek.
Whatever bodily freedom I regained, after seeing him earlier, quickly disappeared again. I was frozen. I couldn’t believe he did what he did. It shouldn’t have been such a big deal. He’s kissed on the cheek before, but it was always casual and it was out of welcome or departure.
I could really feel his kiss this time. His lips were soft and tender. It was quick, too quick to the point that I doubted it ever happened but enough to make my heart skip a beat.
My classmates cheered louder. I just tried to focus on him. I didn’t look at my class at all. I just gestured for us to leave.
He held out his arm, just like the way he was supposed to. He took my other bag. I put my arm around his, holding the balloons in my other hand, and he led me downstairs.
For once I left it all to fate and it figured out a situation better than I could ever had.
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